Will I ever stop caring what other people think?
One of my ALL IN Mastermind clients, Amanda Wagner, and by the way, I totally have her permission to share this story with you. Amanda once asked me through tears:
“Will I ever stop caring so much about what other people think?”
And I responded very quickly, “no. And isn't that great news?”
Now, let me back up a little bit.
You know how I talk about Hilda? Well, one of the Hildas that is obsessed with what everybody else thinks and how you're perceived, is "I Shouldn't Hilda". In fact, Amanda and I talked about "I Shouldn't Hilda" so much that we kind of nicknamed her as like reputation Hilda. She's obsessed with what your reputation is. And what she does, what she tries to do, is get you so worried about what other people think that she keeps you stuck and keeps you trying to behave so that everybody likes you and you never ruffle anybody's feathers.
"I Shouldn't Hilda" gets you wrapped up in a web of perfectionism, trying to be absolutely perfect in every aspect of the world that you can possibly be, so that everybody likes you and everybody accepts you and everybody agrees with you, which we know it still actually is not possible. But still "I Shouldn't Hilda" is in there in your head telling you, "what are they gonna think of you?" One of my mentors, Mel Robbins talks about perfectionism as not the desire to actually be perfect, but to actually be, as she puts it “immune from criticism.” That perfectionism is the desire to be immune from criticism is so spot on. And if we would just listen to "I Shouldn't Hilda" we would never embarrass ourselves again. And we would only put out the best most perfect versions of ourselves. And we'd shape shift ourselves into what we think other people want from us.
Clearly, this is not what I want you to do. :)
So back to Amanda. She cares deeply about what other people think. And honestly caring what other people think, is part of what makes her an amazing, warm, incredible human being. Caring about what other people think makes her empathetic and thoughtful, and terribly, terribly likable. It's a strength. And "I Shouldn't Hilda" is trying to take that strength and weaponize it to use against Amanda. That's what Hilda does. She takes what's great about you, something that's inherently you and finds a way to twist it, to use against you so she can take your strength and weaponize it as a weakness.
This is why I say I want you to stop ignoring your inner critic and instead tune into her. Because once you understand her, then you can undermine her. "I Shouldn't Hilda" is trying to get Amanda to stop chasing her dream of becoming the next Oprah, because someone might have a negative thing to say about the fact that she dreamed so big. So no, Amanda is never gonna stop caring what people think. And why would we want her to? I mean, this is really good news because that's what makes Amanda the incredibly good charismatic leader that she is. Her job is to notice when her concern about what other people might think is slowing her down from chasing her dream.
Do you see how that's a different concern? The usual guru advice is just stop caring What other people think. Just stop. But that would be going against her nature. That would be turning away from one of her strengths, one of the things that makes her great. Why on earth would I ask her to ignore and suppress one of her strengths?
This is the good news, she can put that battle down for the rest of her life. She's always gonna care what other people think. Phew, sweet. Put that battle down, never have to fight that again. What I want for her, is to not let what those people may or may not think, have so much influence over her decisions and actions. I want her to stop letting Hilda weaponize her strength against her.
And it's working like a charm. Go follow The Amanda Wagner Podcast and see how she's claiming her spotlight.
So if someone is telling you that you just need to stop caring what other people think, as though that was an option for you, I'm here to tell you that they are wrong and that there's nothing wrong with you.
Your job is not to stop caring.
You can put that battle down.
I love that you care, I really do.
Your job is simply to shorten the amount of time where other people's opinions dictate what you do next. Thank you so much for listening. I would love to hear from you, if you are one of these people who truly care what other people think, and you're tired of being gaslighted and getting all of this crap when people tell you, "just don't care about what other people think."
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